And by the way, if I've missed something, you can hardly blame me. It must be buried to the point of absurdity. I've searched around, I've googled for literally hours, I've tried the above administrator's links, I've been all over MS's own website, and others, I've manually gone through everything click-able in Word itself.

There is no excuse for this level of complication in a word processing program. Even if my problem is solvable, which I'm pretty sure is not the case.